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Issue 41•41
HELL—A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties
Union indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were condemned on drug-related sins.
"Hell was created to keep dangerous sinners off the gold-paved streets
of Heaven," ACLU spokesman Barry Horowitz said. "But lately, it's become a clearing-house for the non-evil souls that Heaven
doesn't know how to deal with."
The disproportionate number of drug offenders in Hell is a result of
God's "get tough" drug policy of the 80s A.D., imposed after Roman emperor Domitian Flavius introduced opium to his people.
God's detractors say His reactionary "one sin and you're out" rule places too harsh a penalty on venial drug users.
According to God's law, souls who possess four ounces of illegal drugs
at any point during their mortal lives face a mandatory minimum sentence of eternity.
High-ranking seraphim in the Eternal Justice Department defended God's
law.
"It's all about accountability," the angel Nathanael said. "The rule
of the Lord affords the complementary blessings of freedom and responsibility, and provides the governing framework under
which man is punished or rewarded according to his deeds. The rules are very simple: You do the crime, you do the time. Eternity,
in this case."
The ACLU report included profiles of hundreds of offenders condemned
to eternal perdition under God's law. Among them is Pvt. Robert
"Bobby Joe" Hetfield, a World War I fighter and amputee who became addicted to morphine during his last 72 hours of life on
a French battlefield in 1918. As punishment, Hetfield has spent nearly a century cleaning Beelzebub's dope house every morning
by consuming the urine, excrement, and vomit left by Satan and his revelers.
Another offender listed in the ACLU report is Huachuri, an Incan peasant
who used a coca-leaf-based marital aid in 1311. As punishment, he is sodomized continually by a winged, razor-penised goat.
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| Hell (file photo). |
Defenders
of God's law argue that eternal punishments like these are the only way to deter other drug users, and preserve order in God's
kingdom.
"This is not about revolving-door justice," St. Peter said. "While the
word of God will keep some on the straight and narrow, Heavenly studies show that eternal damnation is the only deterrent
that really works."
Horowitz said that while drug offenders are literally rotting away in
Hell, serial killers and other dangerous sinners are receiving "mere Purgatorial sentences, thanks to the asking-for-forgiveness
loophole." Purgatory is a minimum-security state of limbo that affords its occupants the opportunity to repent their sins
and eventually gain admittance to Heaven on good behavior.
"Drug offenders, many of whom have committed no prior mortal sin, rack
up infinite consecutive life sentences," Horowitz said. "Meanwhile, rapists say they're sorry, recite a few Hail Marys, and
wind up basking in God's divine radiance within 10 years."
Among those who oppose God's laws are the stewards of Hell, who argue
that his harsh anti-drug penalties have taxed the capacities of the underworld.
"I have one ravenous and overworked hellhound assigned to terrorize 12
methamphetamine users," the demon Abracax said. "After 14 hours in the dog's digestive tract, they are excreted and revived,
at which point, I give them another shot of methamphetamine. The dog's exhausted—he was originally intended to be responsible
for two users at most."
According to Horowitz, even leaving aside questions of civil liberties
in the afterlife, God's drug laws are problematic.
"These laws, simply put, don't work," Horowitz said. "What the Heavenly
hosts need to consider is some sort of angelic early-intervention program at the pre-death level, or at the very least, some
form of afterlife rehab."
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